Still living in the past

This is terrible...it really is...
I am not really doing anything with my life to move forward
I am not putting in any effort to make myself better
I am spending to much time thinking about the past
wanting to go back in time...
Not a good sign...
I should really give myself a limit
It's gonna be a busy two months so I will let myself go
but I must discipline myself to do these things next year:
Create my portfolio
Save money
Find a dtp related job in asia
Go back to swimming
You can do it, Jan...

In Memory of my Banana Republic Sandals

Have you ever owned anything that you developed a "relationship" with?
I don't do that often
but I have definitely developed a connection with a pair of thongs I had.
I got them a few years ago from Vancouver Downtown's Banana Republic.
They had green leather insoles and pink plastic outsoles...super comfy...
and therefore, I wore them soooo often that they died today officially...
They have taken me to sooooo many places, including but not limited to:
Whistler with the 6 brothers
several BBQs at Barnet Marine Park
SFU
Metrotown shopping
Downtown walks
Tokyo walks
Several beaches
Kyoto with Jer and his friends
Hakone
Fukushima volcano and round1
..................
...............
............
.........
......
...
.
I loved them...but..byebye...
I guess this marks the end of a certain period of my life.

Smell and Music

Finally... Japan has cooled down
and with that, the air has become drier...almost crisp...
so tonight, I had to put on some body lotion...
I used the gift from Lucy...a body lotion with the fragrance of freesia,
a kind of iris.
It was something I used to put on all the time...
so the fragrance was associated to so many...
so many events and people...
Incidentally I was listening to some old music
Those I used to listen to back home
Along with the smell on my body,
they reminded me of all the time I spent with them...
in Bonnie's basement, with him sitting on the floor;
in that Subaru impreza;
in Pearl;
in Cameron;
with Kitty annoying me;
behind the seatbelt with mashimaru;
in Big Head;
too much memories...
Then I started crying...
and couldn't stop for a while...
Why though?
It's not like they were bad memories...
I think I just couldn't bear the fact that I will never be able to go back to relive that time.
I also blame it on the music and the fragrance...
but I didn't wash it off...
I loved the smell and still do...
because of it,
I will always remember those days..

(as long as Crabtree & Evelyn exists!!! :-p)

I don't like this

Damn...
I hate being influenced so easily...
by the weather, by the people around me,
by work, by everything...
Can't I just care less?
wouldn't that make things much simpler?
It really would but I can't control myself.
Looking into the psychology of some patients...of a kind of disease that I have been interested in since a couple of years back,
I now understand why that kind of disease persists.
Especially in girls.
It is because girls often have few chances to take charge in their lives.
They get affected by their relationships easily because they often put in 101% of their hearts.
They become emotional during "that time of the month".
Heck, they can even get angry more easily just because they are hungry.
With all these factors in their lives affecting them endlessly
With no control over it whatsoever
No wonder people choose the extreme way to gain control.
I would never ever become a psychologist or counselor but
it just gets more and more interesting as the reason becomes more and more apparent.
I would never ever choose that path but
What can I do?
I wish no one would ever have any influence on me
so I can just be myself.